Lights on a Map that are Slowly Dying

Title quote – Carrie Ryan

I always hated change. Even with the smallest things, I was always sentimental, keeping strange reminders of both good and bad times. I never could let anything go. Then I was the one changing, leaving, starting again. I still didn’t want to, I had finally settled into my place and I was surrounded by people who I loved and who loved me. I’d never felt like I belonged before then and these people became like family.

They say the people leaving have it easy because they have a new beginning and things to keep them busy, that the people who get left behind are the ones who hurt the most. But starting again on my own, it really doesn’t seem that way. Neither option is fun nor painless. Of course, nothing can erase the memory of that feeling of belonging but the worst part is knowing exactly what you had and how much you valued it and then realising the high likelihood that things will never be like that again.

That’s life, right? It’s always changing and if you don’t adapt with it you’ll get left behind, a light fading into the distance trying desperately to keep something that’s long gone illuminated.

Of course, you can keep your bonds with people while losing the proximity, it’s not easy but if it’s worth it you’ll manage. But, time changes relationships, and everything eventually evolves. Suddenly your friends are moving in with their partner, getting married, moving to other countries, having children and if you’re on a different path that’s taking the scenic route it can be hard to watch.

The little things that you once held onto to get through your darkest days seem further and further away, every new life development making them more of an impossibility. The all girl flat that you’d all been dreaming of for the past year, the holidays that you’d planned with your friends down to the last detail, every plan that was just waiting for everyone to be back in the same place again gets put on hold. And the truth is, you’ll never all be back in that place together, someone will always have to work or look after the children or just wont make it. It’s heartbreaking and subtle. It happens slowly and then one day you look back and say, “Hey, when did everything change?”

I feel like I’m a step behind, but I always was. I’m ready to be happy now, I’ll embrace all the change life wants to throw at me, if I could just be happy for longer than an evening or a weekend at a time. I’m ready for things to change for the better and I’m ready to make the effort to change them.

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